Afterthoughts
by 0074
Summary: Harry and Ruth share their thoughts through their diaries. This is my interpretation, inspired by watching s8 and reading Harry's Diary. Warning: spoilers for s8.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: do not read ahead if you have not watched 8.1 as there are spoilers. **

**This is inspired by watching the new series and from having read _Harry's Diary_. First you will find Harry's POV, then Ruth's. They are meant to be diary entries.  
**

**Thanks to Kudos, Spooks and the fantastic actors for creating the fabulous characters and opportunity to imagine what might be going on in their heads  
**

_**Harry: 4 November 2009**_

I have seen Ruth. She's angry with me, and I can't blame her. The only person I can blame is myself. It was my reckless behaviour that put us in that position.

I went to Sarkisiian to ask for his help with a nuclear bomb threat, and he did help, but then took me hostage and sold me on. It was to his own peril as he was double crossed and is now dead. I thought that for some reason Amish Mani was there to rescue me - I don't know why I thought that. Stupid me, of course he wasn't.

Mani wanted uranium. Uranium that he _lost_ several years ago in a major operation. It was going to be misused and I was responsible for removing it from play. I didn't trust the other parties involved and with clearance from the top, I brought it back to England where it was hidden. The only other person who knew its whereabouts was Ruth. I needed a fall back position, and I knew I could trust her.

I don't know how, but Mani knew about Ruth. He knew that I had told Ruth, and he knew that she wasn't really dead. I tried to convince him otherwise, but it was no good.

Three years of wondering, and then I see Ruth like that. When she walked through the door I found it difficult to control what I'm sure must have been visible on my face. I wanted to smile at her so she would know how good it was to see her. To offer some kind of encouragement, and assure her that we would be alright. But I had to fight that impulse because it would have given Mani more ammunition. And because I wasn't actually confident that we would get out alive.

They left us alone for a little while, probably hoping it would press their advantage somehow. We said very little to each other. The few things I did say were questions. Stupid questions that I wish I hadn't asked, and which she didn't answer anyway.

Faced with emotional blackmail, Ruth gave in and told Mani where to find the uranium. She told him exactly what she knew, but somehow they were already aware of and had checked that location. The uranium wasn't there anyway. I had it moved two years ago. Something Ruth wouldn't have known because she was already gone. So now Ruth's husband is dead and her stepson is without a father.

Her husband. I can't believe that she is married. I didn't want them to kill him. Of course I didn't, but I couldn't tell them where the uranium was. Even when they threatened the boy, there was really no choice. If I told them, they would use it. A dirty bomb would kill thousands of people, thousands of children. Ruth begged me though, said she could only see her child in front of her, and told me I was heartless. I almost caved in when I saw the look in her eyes, but I couldn't. I work to protect the greater good of the country. She knows that. One life or thousands of lives?

I lost my temper several times. Kicking the laptop across the room was unplanned, but surprisingly helpful. It felt good too.

I did manage to stall the situation just long enough for the team to get there. It was a close call though. I guess I gave the game away a bit when I yelled at Mani not to hurt Ruth. He had pulled a knife and was heading for her. I don't think I could have done anything to stop him, although I was certainly going to try everything I could.

To top events off, when I returned to the grid, Malcolm told me he wants to retire. So one of my oldest friends has now left and the team will be much the poorer for his loss. He will be greatly missed, not just for his technical skills, but also for his good humour and ability to keep us all grounded. I'll miss him.

I don't know if Ruth will ever forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself, and I don't know how to even try and make it up to her.

_**Ruth: 4 November 2009**_

George is dead, and it is all my fault. Mine and Harry's. I don't know how or why, but they found me and came after us. George and Nico should never have been part of this. I'm feeling so confused and tired, and I don't know how to explain what happened.

I am sure Harry would say it's because I'm a born spook, but I don't know. I just felt I should always be ready for something like this. That's why there was always a bag ready. Hidden in the cupboard, but ready.

When I saw that car and the men in it, they were so out of place. I just knew that something from my past was back to haunt me. The only place I could think of to go for help was MI5, so we headed for England.

George was angry. So angry he could barely speak to me. I had to tell him that yes my name was really Ruth, but no I hadn't always been an office worker. I couldn't tell him much more. It doesn't matter that I am officially dead, I signed the Official Secrets Act, and I'm still bound to it. He came with me though. There was little else he could do when I convinced him of the danger.

Malcolm was the one who answered my phone call. Needless to say it wasn't a call he was expecting. It was so good to see him again. He came to the safe house and we talked. He didn't say anything about Harry, which was strange, and then when I asked and he paused like that, I knew something was wrong.

Walking back into Thames House and onto the grid was the strangest feeling. The team has changed which I should really have expected given the spy business. Jo is still there, different somehow, but mostly the same Jo. And Ros has stuck around, that was something I didn't think would happen. I shouldn't have been so shocked to hear about Adam and Zaf, but I was. I wish I could have said goodbye to them.

By the time I got back to the safe house it had been compromised, but we didn't know. When we thought we were being taken to a new house, somewhere with a garden for Nico to play in, they separated us, and I was brought to an old apartment block where I first saw Harry again.

Harry. This was all about Harry and the uranium he brought back from Baghdad. Damn uranium! Damn Harry!

The look on his face when I walked into the room was something I can't really describe. I think he had been told they had found me, because he didn't look as surprised as he might have. He looked broken though, and there was something else that flickered across his face, but I can't think about that. Not now. All I can think about is George and Nico.

George is dead because of me. Me and Harry and that bloody uranium. If I hadn't met him, he wouldn't be dead now. Harry asked me if I loved George, and I didn't answer him. All I could say was how guilty I felt. How guilty I feel. I feel guilty that I never told him who I really was and why I was in Cyprus. I never told him about Harry either.

Now all I can see and hear, over and over in my head, is the picture of George in that garden. George being shot and me screaming and crying. Then when they said they would do the same to Nico, Harry wouldn't tell them. Somehow I knew he wouldn't, but I had to try. I played on his emotions, those feelings that I know he used to have, and begged him. I called him a heartless bastard, even though I know he's not.

I think at that point I almost didn't care what happened to me, but it wasn't long after that that Lucas arrived. It was just as they were coming towards me with a knife, and Harry lost it.

Now I am with Nico. He's fallen asleep on the bed after crying for a long time. We cried together. I am about to ring and speak to his aunt back in Cyprus. They don't know what's happened yet. They probably don't even know that we're not there. I don't know what I'm going to say to her.

I know I'm going to see Harry again soon, and I don't know what I'm going to say to him either.

**So how did I do? **

**I think there will be a chapter to match each episode. At least that's the plan at the moment, depending on what actually happens plot-wise :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Continuing the series, this has Spoilers for 8.2. Enjoy!  
**

_**Harry: 11 November 2009**_

Yesterday I met Ruth and tried to tell her I was sorry, but I couldn't. For once in my life I was lost for words. I just asked more stupid questions. It was all very awkward and I mucked it up.

It didn't help when she told me she wasn't actually married, not officially. I'd asked about Nico, and she explained that he had gone back to Cyprus with his aunt. That she had no legal rights as his guardian. I was shocked really. A few days ago I thought she was married, and I hated it. Then I discover that she wasn't, though she might as well have been. She's still furious with me.

Stupidly, I suggested that she could go back to Cyprus too. Why would I even say that? I don't want her to go away again. I told her that I would sort something out, and find her a job, but she wasn't exactly ecstatic. Actually she couldn't even look at me properly, just exploded with a frustrated exclamation.

I seem to be behaving in the most ridiculous manner ever since Ruth walked back into my life. I guess I need to get over it, but I'm not sure how.

_**Ruth: 11 November 2009**_

I met Harry yesterday. He's Sir Harry now. Something I rubbed in mean spiritedly when he mentioned trying to sort out my status here in England. He has a knighthood, and I'm dead – there's not much else to say. I couldn't really help myself. I still feel angry with him.

I know he was shocked when I told him George and I weren't actually married. I didn't tell him why we didn't marry though, and he changed the subject.

I could have screamed when he offered to help find me a job. What was he thinking? And then telling me he was trying to do the right thing. Saying that I knew better than anyone how difficult it was for him. Does he really think I know him that well? Am I that person anymore? Is he?

I left him there on the bridge. I didn't want to fight, not anymore than we already seem to be, so I just walked away. I'm sure he watched me, but when I turned back to look, he was heading in the other direction. He was walking slowly, which isn't like the Harry I knew.

_**Harry: 12 November 2009**_

Ruth rang and asked to meet me again today. She wouldn't say why, but I would have gone whatever the reason. I am willing to try anything.

I stood there waiting on the Millennium Bridge, and suddenly she was there and said that we needed to talk. I was so grateful to hear her say that. Even more grateful when she told me it wasn't my fault.

I know how difficult that must have been for her. And it is my fault. It's my fault that she got caught up in all of this.

I told her I was sorry too, for everything. When I said everything, I meant George and Nico, for dragging her and them into the whole sorry mess. I'm sorry for the Cotterdam fiasco and ruining her life too.

It turned out that Jo had met with Ruth, and she was the one who persuaded her to talk to me. Apparently I haven't been myself and the team don't think I'm behaving rationally!

I've since spoken to Jo and told her in no uncertain terms that she will not go behind my back again, on pain of deportation. I also asked her to see Ruth again, and try and convince her to stay. I now have the unenviable task of convincing the Home Secretary that Ruth is not dead and that she's not a traitor. It's a task I am determined to succeed at.

_**Ruth: 12 November 2009**_

Today Jo phoned me and I met her on the steps of the Albert Hall. I knew it wasn't just to catch up, but it was good to see her all the same. She's definitely changed – an older and wiser, more mature Jo. I can tell she's a good officer. They're lucky to have her on the team.

It didn't take long for her to get down to business though, telling me that Harry wasn't himself, and that it was because of what happened. It's unfair to suggest that he's making the wrong decisions because of the way he feels about me - felt about me. But the Harry I remember wouldn't let a young woman be sacrificed simply for the sake of some gas. I can't help thinking about what he said yesterday, about me knowing him better than anyone, and the look on his face as I walked into that damn apartment where they were holding him. I can tell he blames himself, and it isn't like Harry to let things fester. He used to be able to move on regardless.

So I rang and asked him to meet me at the Millennium Bridge, and I told him I was sorry for blaming him, that it wasn't his fault. The relief on his face was so obvious, and I felt like a little weight lifted from my chest. Jo was right, and I am sorry.

**Please leave me a review and tell me what you think of my interpretation :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Spoilers for 8.3. If you haven't watched it yet, you might want to do so before reading any further.**

_**Harry: 18 November 2009**_

Today I lost another member of my team. Some days I don't know how I can continue to watch colleagues and friends die, and try to go on like nothing has happened. It's not that I don't care. I do, more than anyone knows. But I can't let it show. Not when my team needs me to give them the strength to go on. If I can't do that, then it's pointless me being in MI5 any longer. None of that stops the faces of those friends from haunting me when I sleep though.

Ruth's return to the grid was the one bright spot in the day, at least for a little while. She arrived just after Ros and the Bendorf Group had been taken hostage by anti-Capitalists. Just when I needed her. I would have liked her to have had a proper welcome back, but there was not really any time for that. At least she smiled when I gave her her passport. Perhaps it won't be as difficult as I thought.

It's quite possible, however, that I pushed things too far, too soon, when I told Ruth about the Home Secretary's concerns, and that she and I are the only ones who know them. It's what I did with Baghdad and the uranium, and look where that got us. Only time will tell now.

The Home Secretary was on and off the phone as today's disastrous events unfolded. Despite my advice not to storm the bunker, he was quite prepared to do so. Walker and the Americans were piling on the pressure, and the powers that be do not like to be out of control on their own patch. At the time, it appeared fortuitous that the power to the lift returned and so I sent Jo in to help Ros settle things.

Then, at the end of it all, came that phone call, and there was nothing I could do. Adam recruited Jo, saw her potential, and now both of them are gone. I simply don't know what to do or say.

When I told Ruth, she just shook her head in disbelief and walked out of my office. I could hear her in the corridor crying, but I couldn't move. How could I begin to offer her any kind of comfort when I don't know how to reconcile Jo's death for myself.

_**Ruth: 18 November 2009**_

Some days I used to wonder how I ever ended up in this place. Today was my first day back, and I'm wondering why I decided to return. No, I _know_ why, and Jo is part of that reason. Jo who never really hurt anyone, but is now dead.

When I arrived on the grid this morning, I could just tell that it was going to be a difficult day. Harry was flustered, and he tried to make a silly joke about muffins. I guess it matched my own about him giving me a group of thugs to deal with as a welcome back present!

There was plenty of work to be done and no time to waste easing back into any kind of routine. In fact it wasn't dissimilar to the first day of my secondment from GCHQ, and it wasn't long before it felt like I hadn't been away.

I already knew plenty about the Bendorf Group. You don't forget things like that easily, and besides, I haven't been living on another planet, just in a different country. News travels and I know what to look for and what it might mean.

Harry asked me to look into some sort of secret machinations that the Home Secretary is worried about. He told me that he and I are the only ones who know about this. I don't know that I want to share secrets like that with Harry anymore.

Jo is dead and, ironically, I am officially alive again. I have the passport to prove it.

**Having seen the ****teaser for episode 4, ****I am particularly looking forward to writing the next entries. Hope it lives up to its potential.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to those people who have been reading and reviewing. I appreciate the comments - they let me know if I'm on the right track or not, so please do continue to let me know what you think of my interpretation. **

**Spoilers ahead for 8.4.**

_**Harry: 25 November 2009**_

I keep thinking about Jo. Could I have done something differently? How this is affecting the team?

I am just about devoid of feeling anything - empty at the loss of another colleague. And desperate for Ruth to tell me what she is feeling. She refuses to discuss Jo with me, and has buried herself in work.

How should I have responded this morning, when she asked what I meant? I didn't want to scare her off, but I can't continue pretending. I _know_ she understands what I mean, and one day she's going to have to talk to me about it. Soon.

I'm not certain that Ros is dealing with her part in Jo's death particularly well. I am sure it haunts her as it does me, however she refuses to say much, and carries on regardless. She is an experienced officer, and I shall have to trust her judgment.

Tariq appears a little shell shocked, but is remaining stoic. He has plenty to keep him busy.

I am worried about Lucas though. A man from his past has appeared in England. The man, Oleg Darshavin, routinely tortured him in Russia, and there are no circumstances under which this could not have an effect on Lucas. And then there's the potential for Stockholm Syndrome.

Today, during an operation to meet with Darshavin, he went off comms and led us a merry dance. He acted foolishly, but fortunately did convince Darshavin to hand over the code to a bomb that was set to explode in the Square Mile.

In the course of today's events, Lucas' actions revealed that his relationship with Sarah Caulfield may have crossed the line. This is of great concern to me. I do not want another Tom Quinn on my hands. I will not let him become another statistic, and ruin his life more than I already have.

On a side note, I think I may have let my frustration with Ruth not wanting to talk, get the better of me today. She followed up on one of Malcolm's dead drops. A computer geek who has never missed a drop. Today he did miss one, and when Ruth brought her concerns to me I dismissed them out of hand. Not the way a Section Head should behave.

_**Ruth: 25 November 2009**_

I like Tariq more as I get to know him. He reminds me a little of Zaf with all his confidence and enthusiasm. He's very clever too, which is a good thing given the big shoes Malcolm has left for him to fill.

Tariq was able to help me locate a message from one of Malcolm's contacts. A contact who had disappeared, leaving a business card stuck to his computer. It proved to be connected to a rogue Russian and a group of unknown African bombers whom we were dealing with today.

When I mentioned the missing contact to Harry, and told him I thought it was linked to the bombers, he said he didn't think it was related. Later, when we had made the connection, he seemed more interested. I really hope he isn't going to be like this for too long. And I hope it isn't about this morning when he asked to talk with me. The meeting felt particularly awkward, even by our standards, and I know there was more he wanted to say, but I wouldn't let him.

I'm not ready to talk to him about it. I know he wants to, but I just can't. Not yet. It's too soon, and too much has happened for me to jump straight back to where we were before. Maybe in time, I hope I will be able to talk to him. Just not now.

I'm still not sure what I would say anyway. I'm not sure what I actually feel.

I know I feel angry about Jo dying. She was so young, and had so much more to give to the world. Sometimes it is possible to feel the wonder of succeeding in this job, but so often the feeling is one of futility and loss.

And yet, I _think_ part of the reason I didn't tell George about my real life, and didn't marry him, was because somewhere in the back of my mind, and my heart, I was hoping that one day I would come back to England and MI5. What does it say about me that I had a subconscious desire for that old life, one that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried? I don't know what that means about what I felt for Harry, and I don't know what I want it to mean.


	5. Chapter 5

**This chapter was a lot more difficult to writer than the previous ones, because the episode didn't have quite so much to play with. So chapter five is a bit shorter than the others, but hopefully there's enough here to be going on with. **

**Spoilers for 8.5.  
**

_**Harry: 2 December 2009**_

Yesterday while watching the news reports of Samuel Walker's death and memorial service, I told Ruth how very uneasy I was about the circumstances surrounding it all. Walker had phoned me less than an hour before his death and arranged to meet me. He wanted to talk about Basel. I am sure he was not intending to kill himself.

And then today Ruth discovered evidence that Walker was murdered by one of his own. After three years away from this job, Ruth is as brilliant as she ever was. It's as though she'd still been on the grid all that time. Not that I should expect anything less from her. It's simply another reason I'm glad she's back.

What Ruth discovered was that Sarah Caulfield was no more than five feet away from Walker when he died, and yet she denied seeing him at all. We revealed this to Lucas, whom I'm convinced is in a relationship with her, though he still hasn't applied to have her vetted. Although he was clearly disturbed by the revelations, he was able to covertly elicit information from her that confirmed our suspicions.

Lucas is fortunate that he is not being disciplined for his stupidity with regard to Sarah Caulfield. If not for today's turn of events, he would have been.

We also spent most of the day dealing with a former MI6 officer intent on revenging the death of his lover. Jack Coleville was one of the best, and demonstrated that today when he gained access to the MI5 mainframe, logging in using Ros' name and password.

He tried to convince Ros that I killed a civilian while interrogating them in Gibraltar. As I told Ros, I have never been to Gibraltar, and I did not kill anyone there. It was all just part of his plan to get at the computer system.

Ros was recruited by Coleville, and I fear was shaken by his betrayal. She will not, of course, admit to this and continues as if nothing has happened. And this despite the explosive trap that Coleville set for her, one from which she almost didn't get away.

Coleville's games today resulted in the deaths of three officers. One from the CIA, and two of our own. We thought at first that the deaths were all connected to Samuel Walker's. It wasn't until late in the day that we found their link with Coleville, and Ruth discovered Sarah Caulfield's duplicity.

_**Ruth: 2 December 2009**_

Harry was concerned that Samuel Walker's death was not an accident, and so I started digging around the CCTV from the CIA observation post, and looking into records of phone calls.

I played courier dispatcher when Lucas visited the observation post with a parcel. Tariq had set up the parcel to automatically download records from the building when Lucas put it in position. It needed to be there long enough for the information to download, and so when the security guard wouldn't accept the delivery, Lucas made a phone call, and I stepped in. It felt good telling him he was being bloody rude not taking the delivery. I could feel the adrenalin flowing. That's a feeling I haven't had in a long while.

By partway through the day we had three deaths on our hands. Experienced officers. It took a while, but we did discover that Walker's death wasn't related at all. It was simply coincidental timing. Timing that was taken advantage of.

I think Harry was a little surprised when I told him about Sarah Caulfield. It was almost certainly her that killed Samuel Walker. When it came time to share the news with Ros and Lucas, I was the one who told them. Harry was there, but I got the impression that he wasn't keen to tell them himself, and I think perhaps his relationship with Lucas is a rather precarious one.

When I have been able to, I am continuing to look into the Basel meeting that Harry told me about. Nothing particularly revealing so far, but I will go on delving. There must be something in it for the Home Secretary to bring it to Harry's attention. And for Harry to be concerned.

**I really like hearing your thoughts on the story, so please post me a review :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**This has taken a bit longer than usual - I've been a bit distracted and wasn't really that happy with what I'd first written. Worked on it and I feel it reads better now. Hope you think so too. Spoilers for 8.6. **

_**Harry: 9 December 2009**_

With hindsight, bringing in Baisley, our asset in DeWits Bank, was not well timed, but we had little choice. He had been tasked with recording account names and numbers for us, and we needed them now, not later. We couldn't have foreseen that the safe house would be compromised, nor that Baisley's family would be killed.

Baisley going on the run was in some respects a blessing. If he hadn't escaped the attack on the safe house, the account information would likely have been lost to us. And the results for the British economy would have been disastrous.

I knew the information was essential, but I was more than shocked when the Home Secretary informed me that the country would be bankrupt if we couldn't find billions of dollars. How on earth does that happen? How do we let it get to the point where that can happen?

Tariq was in his element dealing with the situation. He confused all but Ruth, of course, as he explained how quantum mechanics would allow us to enter one of the world's most secure banks. And so with Lucas undercover as a Russian millionaire, Tariq attempted to break into DeWits. Actually, he succeeded! Thankfully the information that was uncovered enabled us to locate enough money to deal with the financial crisis.

I have some niggling worries about both Lucas and Ros after today though. Lucas again disposed of his wire and left himself wide open. Ros' behaviour isn't much better. After losing Baisley this afternoon, she went off the radar. She got the result we needed, but I wonder if she is suffering from displacement as a result of Jo's death.

To top it all, watching the Home Secretary leave Whitehall in disgrace, was one of the most disheartening moments in my career. Nicholas Blake is quite possibly the most decent politician I have been fortunate enough to work with. He has been worthy of his post, and I am angry that his name has been sullied, and he's been forced out in this way. I am determined to find out who is behind it.

There's also an uncomfortable feeling inside me that I can feel growing. One where the pieces are slowly tumbling around me. The Home Secretary is just one of them. Jo dead. Lucas and Ros stumbling. Much still unknown about Basel and Nightingale. So much faltering and I can't see how to stop the tower from crashing.

But finally I think, perhaps, I have had a breakthrough with regards to Ruth. A single bright spot at the end of today, when I returned from seeing the Home Secretary. As she was leaving my office, she turned and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink. I was surprised, and I think I may have frozen on the spot trying not to scare her off, but said I yes almost immediately.

Sadly, frustratingly, that was the moment Tariq discovered that the money from the Nightingale account at DeWits had been transferred to Pakistan. Pakistan!

We will have that drink another time, though. There will be another time. I'll make sure of it.

_**Ruth: 9 December 2009**_

It was good to see Tariq in action today. We're all still missing Malcolm, and I think that clouds things a little. Tariq really is clever, and I don't think the others quite appreciate that yet. Though today's display of technical brilliance may have got their attention, even if they did have trouble understanding what he was talking about.

His plan certainly helped a great deal, letting us access the DeWits files. They were corrupt, and therefore incomplete, but we were able to recover enough to be going on with. And when Ros came good with information from Baisley, it got much easier.

One piece of information I uncovered in the course of all this was an account in the Home Secretary's name. One with a lot of money in it. Harry was worried, but didn't believe it was real. He thought it was a setup, and directed me not to do anything with it. Whether it is a set up or not, I'm not totally comfortable with it.

We may have found the money the government needed, but the whole DeWits operation couldn't really be called a success. Baisley is now in witness protection, and the Home Secretary has resigned.

When Harry returned from Whitehall, the news about the Home Secretary was still breaking. Harry had just seen him, and was clearly troubled by it all. The Home Secretary is one politician I know that he respected. In fact, I think he might even describe him as a friend of sorts! When I asked him how he was, he simply replied that he was angry. It's unusual for Harry to be angry _for_ a politician. _At_ them, yes, but not on their behalf.

Before I left, I did something unexpected. Definitely not planned. I asked Harry if he would like to go for a drink. Something just felt right. He needed to talk, and I wanted him to talk to me. He said yes, but then Tariq appeared and gave us the news about the six million pounds being transferred. Maybe we'll get a chance again soon. Maybe not.

**Hope you enjoyed this installment. If you would take a short moment to write a review, I'd love to hear from you.**


	7. Chapter 7

**This chapter is a bit shorter than the others, but hopefully still captures what it needs to. Only one more to go! Spoilers for 8.7.  
**

_**Harry: 16 December 2009**_

I met the new Home Secretary this morning. How old is he?! Too young, that's for sure. I don't know how on earth he could have the experience necessary to do the job. Only time will tell. He was certainly forthright in telling me that we couldn't let a war erupt in Britain between the Hindu and Muslim communities. Of course we can't! And he knows how to suck up too – praising MI5 in that smarmy way.

I had Lucas meet with Ashok Veerkal, an asset of the Pakistani Intelligence Service. He is a member of a local football team, where he had infiltrated a terrorist cell and was passing on information to a Pakistani officer who was killed. Ashok was not happy about having a new handler, and particularly unhappy that it involved MI5. It was uncertain whether Ashok's status as an informant had been uncovered, but the decision was made to leave him in place in order to discover a second cell.

Leaving a seventeen year old boy in such a precarious position was not easy, and the decision was not popular with everyone. Ruth, in particular, was upset. She never fails to remind me of the human side of what we do. The human cost. I wish such decisions weren't necessary, but they are. The safety of the British people rests on their outcome, so I must continue to consider the greater good.

Ruth and I still haven't had that drink, but there were several moments today when it felt as though we must have. I haven't given up hope.

_**Ruth: 16 December 2009**_

Today I was reminded of just how flippant we can be in the way we play with people's lives. We treat them like chess pieces, sacrificing one for the sake of others. Leaving them with no choice in the matter. People like Ashok, who is only seventeen, and whose life was put in jeopardy so we could find out where two attacks were to take place and who was involved.

Lucas and Ros weren't too impressed when I voiced my opinion. Ros just looked at me, and that look said it all. Lucas seemed a bit more understanding, but still unwilling to do anything about it. Harry? Well Harry appeared and told me it was okay for me to feel that way, and that he was glad I was around to remind them all of it. To remind him. What am I supposed to think about that?

We found the cells and stopped the attacks. Ashok survived, but he was shot in the leg. He was actually very brave, and talked the cell leader down. Telling him that they weren't so very different from each other. Operationally it was not a good idea, but he had very good intentions.

I really _do_ understand how difficult these situations are. I can feel the tension and see the strain that invades the team. I can see it in Harry's eyes, coupled with a shell of artifical confidence. I saw it today – just a glimmer of uncertainty – and was compelled to reassure him. I can't really explain why.


	8. Chapter 8

**It was a little tricky to finish this off given the cliffhanger to s8 - not knowing the outcome makes it difficult to write what they thought of it all. But ****here is the last installment of Harry and Ruth's diary entries (for now anyway). Spoilers for 8.8 of course.  
**

**Thanks for reading.  
**

_**Harry: 23 December 2009**_

Rescue crews are still digging through the rubble of the Summit Hotel. Ros and the Home Secretary are missing, and Lucas should be in hospital, though I'm not sure how long he'd stay there – he's not a very willing patient.

The capture of an Indian submarine began today's crisis. All the result of Nightingale's attempt to provoke a war, potentially a nuclear one, between India and Pakistan. I think we've sidestepped that for now, but for a while it looked like we wouldn't. And it still ended with an explosion, thanks to a bomb in the hotel, planted by Nightingale.

Representatives from both countries were brought to meet in London, where power brokers hoped to reach a peaceful solution. But Nightingale was manipulating even that, right from the start. The CIA's Russell Price was in on it, he was Sarah Caulfield's handler, and both Caulfield and Price are now dead. Caulfield was assassinated on Price's orders, and Lucas assures me Price was in the hotel room with the bomb when it went off. Lucas had been there with Ros not long before, and was able to get the Pakistani President out of the hotel. Ros was trying to do the same thing with the Home Secretary when the explosion happened.

Since he came into office, I have been wary of the new Home Secretary's motives. The removal of Nicholas Blake could so easily be cover for Nightingale planting their own man. But Ruth challenged me on that, suggesting that I should "exercise caution". Told me I shouldn't let my prejudices sway my opinion of Andrew Lawrence without adequate proof. Funny, she's the only one prepared to do that, challenge me in that way. And perhaps she's right. I asked Ros to test Lawrence. Find out where his loyalties lie. Right now, with both of them missing, I'm still not sure.

I also sent Ruth out into the field for the first time since she returned. She'd heard from a Chinese asset, through an online Japanese football bet of all things. The asset was willing to talk about China's role in this whole mess, but was killed before he was able to pass much on. Each time I send Ruth into the field, I get nervous. She's not experienced the way the others are, and she's never found it easy. But she is always determined to play her part, and does it well.

Things have become a little easier between Ruth and myself recently, but today it became slightly awkward again, and I embarrassed myself. Taking a moment on the roof to clear my head, I found myself talking with Ruth about the potential of a nuclear situation, then her choir, and Beethoven's 9th. I don't know what came over me. I tried to brush the tears off as being caused by the wind. Stupid really, and I'm sure she didn't believe me.

I am now playing the waiting game. There is little to be done until we know more. And we will only know more when there's a report from the rescue team.

_**Ruth: 23 December 2009**_

Today's crisis was bigger than any I can remember. A potential nuclear war between Pakistan and India. Started by Nightingale. We still know remarkably little about Nightingale, though we do know they are behind both provoking this war, and bombing the Summit Hotel where peace talks were being held.

It turned out that the CIA's Head of European Operations was part of Nightingale. As was Hans Lindeman, who spent time with the new Home Secretary right when the Basel meeting took place. Harry seems determined to believe that the Home Secretary is their's too. I think he's being influenced by his friendship with Nicholas Blake, and told him I thought we should be careful about jumping the gun. That it was possible that Andrew Lawrence was just the innocent recipient of his new post. I think Harry was surprised that I challenged him on it, but he must have thought about what I said. He tasked Ros with handing over a memory stick to Lawrence so we could trace who he gave it to and what they did with it.

Today, for the first time since I returned to England, I went out into the field. I had been trying to get information from a Chinese asset of mine, and he responded. We thought our meeting place was as safe as possible, but he was shot while sitting next to me in the park. He confirmed that Nightingale have their fingers all over the place, and particularly in the peace summit, then ... I can't even think about it. It was so horrible. One minute he was talking to me, the next, dead. And the sound of the bullet hitting him ... I keep hearing it in my head.

There was a strange moment this afternoon, when I talked to Harry. The whole situation, and frustration and worry about it, seemed to have really gotten to him. I haven't seen Harry like that before. I tried, rather awkwardly, to comfort him. But of course he brushed it all off as though it was nothing. We both know it wasn't.

Later when Ros and Lucas reported in from the hotel, it all turned chaotic. We had to take down the mobile network and had no way of communicating with them. I spoke to the Met Commander on the ground, and there was nothing to be done, the hotel was being evacuated. But Harry insisted on going down there himself. It wouldn't help matters if he got himself killed would it?! Then the bomb went off. And it was all part of Nightingale's plan.

It was late when Harry returned to Thames House. I'd spoken to him on the phone and he told me that Lucas was being seen by medical staff, but they didn't know where Ros or the Home Secretary were. Now we just have to wait.


End file.
